Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
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Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
I feel it
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.