Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
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Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.