I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
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My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Good morning, Twitter 😊