My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
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Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.