Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
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Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
selena gomez
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.