i like to flex on them by shrugging
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Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Them: Just act casual
Me:
i could never be president. im overqualified.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
just having fun
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
I cannot stop laughing at this