I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
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when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.