You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
You Might Also Like
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
📽️movie date🎞️
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on