How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
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A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Home #decor warning.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.