Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
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One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
This is my cat’s medicine.
fixed it
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites