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Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE