I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
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I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
FRED: right
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
5 ways to appear taller
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is