When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
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In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.