Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
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Buck naked
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
i dont have time for this
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Pigeon open mic night.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”