i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
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My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
presenting your incognito window wrapped
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.