I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
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People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Me too, bag. Me too….
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol