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I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Shortcut
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
I hope google does well on my son’s test
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.