If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
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Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
any last words?
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total