oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
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Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Miscakes
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!