[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
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[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Broom by every window for quick escape.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
normalize having existential bread
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Trumpy Cat
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.