Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
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Donkey Kong sommelier
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.