interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
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If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
mom gave me mine for free
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them