Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
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ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”