When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
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Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad