Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
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I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides