My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
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No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Just a friendly reminder!
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*