*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
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does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
*names my little horse OneTrick*
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.