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Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee