Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
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Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.