Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
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I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Wait a minute
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?