I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
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Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?