I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
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Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
next level snooze
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.