God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
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The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’