You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
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Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Body by sandwich.