Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
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billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.