Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
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BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough