When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
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I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
so weird how every mom was born today
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.