Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
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I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Have kids, they said
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
me and the Superbowl rn