Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
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I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar