The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
You Might Also Like
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
If only.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.