i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
You Might Also Like
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
not to brag, but mine was free
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Yup
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”