ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
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ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
A small tragedy.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off