Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
You Might Also Like
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
*pronounces patio like ratio
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
I’m already scared
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes