My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
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Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito