HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
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Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again