My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
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Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
My life in a nutshell