I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
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Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Effort made