talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
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You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?