me refusing to leave twitter
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How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman