Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
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I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ